Okay, ladies, it's time for a little chat.

I cannot remain silent any longer.  There's an epidemic spreading amongst the female populous and it needs to be stopped.  Other diseases have ribbons, campaigns, and snappy slogans.  Celebrities speak out in YouTube promo spots about esoteric, unpleasant conditions, and doctors hold international conferences to foster collaborative dialogue between top industry specialists.  So, then, why is that this foul, insidious plague is allowed to run rampant through my gender without even so much as a simple fundraiser or charity ball?

What is this loathsome scourge affecting so many of my fellow females, you ask?  Well, my trusty reader, it is none other than formo imitationosis. And it seems to be spreading rapidly.

I first noticed the infection on eBay many moon ago.  I decided to treat myself to a little trinket as a personal reward, so I logged on to the worldwide auction site in search of a designer bag.  Instead of a pretty parade of gently-used purses being pawned off, I was faced with a plethora of fakes, frauds, and phonies.  Some were masquerading as the real deal, while others were open about the fact that the product was a, "beautiful designer reproduction."  As a result, my PayPal account didn't get depleted that day, and I waited till I got to the mall at the weekend, and to a reputable boutique, before I bought myself a little bag.

That was years and years ago, and now, the epidemic has spread well beyond the Internet and the backs of vans in urban alleyways.  When I go to the mall, I get accosted by kiosk vendors openly hawking "Gucce," and "Chanell," bags for $19.99 each, or 2 for $30.  Really???  And in Niagara Falls, a town I frequent on both sides of the border, there's a huge Welcome Centre on the U.S. side thats only uses, from what I can discern, are to house a repulsive "International Food Court," and a mall which only sells Falls souvenirs and knock-offs.  As a result, there seems to be an inordinate number of girls in the area who really believe they're fooling people with their pleather totebags with huge, tacky, interlocking C's.

(As an aside: I find it extra amusing when I see women sporting these atrocities with outfits that make no sense.  Like, for instance, tatty Christmas pyjama bottoms (in May), a bleach-stained Tweety Bird t-shirt, and a Scrunchee.  In public.  Are we to believe that Ms. Thing spent so long saving up thousands upon thousands of dollars to splash out on her Chanel tote, that she is only left with pyjamas and holey Keds?  Perhaps she'd been better off buying a cute tote from Target, H&M, or Joe Fresh, and been able to afford a descent hair accessory, actual pants, and food for her toddler.  Win-win!)

One other thing that really gets me is fake Coach.  I mean, really...c'mon?!  And, the irony is, that I see more knock-off Coach bags (be they with a smattering of G's instead of C's, or just out-and-out fakes) in towns where there is a handy-dandy Coach outlet store.  I'm serious.  Let's go back to Niagara Falls, but this time to the Canadian side... I don't think I've ever ventured down Clifton Hill without counting at least a dozen along the way.  And there's no excuse; there's a Coach USA outlet, and several of their outlets on the Canadian side.  So what's with all the fakes??

My other current pet peeve is the glut of key pendants on the market meant to emulate Tiffany & Co.'s key collection.  I find this especially offensive because I own a couple of them; the first one was a very special gift from my husband.  Several years ago, he found my beloved collection of antique keys, most of which were gifts from my great-grandmother, and when he saw the lovely pieces Tiffany crafted, he knew one would be the perfect present.  So, not only did I get the joy of untying the pristine white bow and opening the "little blue box," but I also received a gift that spoke to me... and it said, "Hey... he gets you.  And, yes, it's real."  That's pretty darned hard to counterfeit, if you ask me.

In my opinion, there really is no reason in the world to wear forgeries.  So many stores and designers are creating great looks at affordable prices, that I shouldn't see a single phony anywhere.  And, yes, while ideally one should save her pennies and invest wisely in "the real deal," that isn't always possible on every budget.  Personally, I'd rather have one beautiful, timeless classic in my closet, like a perfectly tailored pencil skirt, or The Iconic Little Black Wrap Dress, than dozens of those heinous t-shirts with the Chanel logo sloppily screen-printed across the chest.  Strike that: I'd rather go naked.  But I'd still rather not pay full price if I don't have to, so I'm a devoted Outlet Hound, and have lucked into some of the deals of the century that way.

Beyond the mall and outlets, there's always the Wondrous World of Thrift Store Shopping.  (Honestly, I have culled many of my favourite wardrobe staples from thrift stores.  Some of which are vintage designer pieces, some are elegant classics, and others, thanks to the eternal merry-go-round of fashion, are fun, trendy seasonals.)  If your patience fails you at the thought of sifting and sorting through racks of muu-muus, polyester lounge suits, and Members Only jackets, then hit up some of the great budget-friendly retailers out there (Target, H&M, Joe Fresh, Top Shop, Kohl's), either in person or online.

And, finally, no one's being fooled -- the other girls who buy the knock-offs will recognize yours as a fellow fake, and the true fashionistas won't be tricked for a second.  More importantly, you will know it isn't real, and that's the real rub.  Sure, everyone will copy what's hot to some degree -- there will be little Versace-esque dresses at stores, big box retailers will take cues from runway trends, and yes, someone, somewhere is actively quilting a no-name leather clutch even as I type this, but please, ladies, vaccinate yourselves against this unfashionable malady...

Don't take it that extra step and plunk down your hard-earned money on a genuine fraud.  Practice safe shopping, and always, always guard yourself against falling ill to formo imitationosis.

Because, while imitation may be *considered* the sincerest form of flattery, there's sincerely nothing flattering about wearing imitations.

About a year ago, I made the decision to venture into the Great Accessory Unknown.  Bags, shoes, and jewellery are all great ways of enhancing an outfit, but no matter how much adorable headwear I saw, I always asserted that, "I'm not a Hat Person."

Little did I know that everyone can be a Hat Person; it just takes the right piece of headwear.

Some women are best suited for cloches, but others rock the boho knitted toque.  Princesses have long worn tiaras and crowns, while screen queens once sported the mighty pillbox.

A sudden resurgence in millinery was obvious from runways all over the world.  In Toronto, designer Jason Meyers showed an especially delicious array of headgear from the elegant to elaborate for Spring/Summer 2010 that covered the spectrum and dazzled the onlooking fashionistas.

As for me, I'm still experimenting with the exact Golden Ratio that will lead me to Headwear Heaven, but I'm having a great time in the interim.  All women, disabled or able-bodied, currently have a rare opportunity to stock up on exciting, daring hats in innumerable shapes, styles, and colours to augment their wardrobes.  It's the first time in eons that women have been encouraged to adapt the age-old custom of donning head coverings, but as an avowed accessory junkie, I'm pleased to have yet another avenue to express the innate feminine fabulosity.

With any luck, this trend will stick around even longer than skinny jeans, though hopefully I'm not being too optimistic.  Though I've seen plenty of adorable lids for sale, I'm usually the only woman in a hat when I venture out and about.  It's a crying shame, too, because whenever I don one of my sassy, quirky toppers, I always receive a bevy of flattery.  People never fail to stop me and compliment my headwear.  It's different, it's fun, and it's something to make any woman stand out in any crowd -- no cleavage required.  Adding hats to your accessory wardrobe is easy and can compliment any age, figure, or complexion.

Honestly, I suppose it can be summed up thusly...

Hats are a no-brainer.

What's in a name?  Well, maybe not that much, but a friend on FaceBook referred me to a collection whose name caught my attention right away.  Designers Angela Irick and Antonio Wingfield are collaborating on a line called Heels with Wheels, and although the whole collection isn't available online yet, what they're showing is right in step with the more prominent names in adaptive fashion.  And I'm impressed.

For those unfamiliar with adaptive fashions, let me give you some perspective.  First, imagine your favourite pair of skinny jeans.  You know, the ones with a little stretch in them that lift your booty up to the sky?  Yeah, those.  Now, picture how you put them on: one leg, then the other, then a little shimmy to get them up your thighs, followed by a few hops to get them over the aforementioned booty.  Finally, you zip them with a satisfied smirk, throw on a cute button-up top, and you're out the door.

What if you couldn't hop and shimmy?  What would you do if you were unable to hold something as small as a zip, or manage tiny, difficult buttons?  And what if no one ever saw that nice booty because it's firmly planted in a wheelchair?  These are just a few of the issues that face rolling fashionistas, and depending on the type and severity of disability, this list of concerns can grow exponentially.

To help wheeled chicks speed up their morning routines and improve independence, a number of designers are stepping up to the plate and crafting collections made with these issues in mind.  Hot names like Canada's own Izzy Camilleri have even jumped into the market, upping the product availability from the foul granny-gowns and Snuggie-esque coverups of yore to genuinely covetable fashion.  I'm 29 -- I have no desire to dress like I'm 79; unless, of course, it's Coco at 79.  In that case, bring it on.

So, when I was shown the adorable duds on display at Heels With Wheels, I just had to spread the love.

First off, the "Lounging and Cover-Ups" section has gowns for lazy days, sipping wine by the pool, and according to the website, are even apropos for the boudoir.  Unlike other loungewear created for disabled individuals, these are actually cute.  And yeah, kind of sexy.  All the pieces appear to be light and silky, and I love the graphic-print halter tunic and the long strapless gown.  The strapless number is gathered at the bust and drapes beautifully on both the model in a power wheelchair and *gasp!* the standing model, too.  Yes, ladies, these are dresses that appeal to both able-bodied and disabled women alike, and I can certainly see why.  No Snuggies here, thank the gods.

The "Happy Hour" collection is perfect for the woman on the go.  Easy, flattering, fitted tops and dresses that can help turn any girl into Day to Night Barbie.  A quick accessories change, a sweet clutch, and any gal is ready to go from office to cocktail hour with her BFFs.  I'm especially impressed with the fit of these garments.  If any of you have ever seen most of the so-called 'adaptive' garments, many of them are bulky, shapeless, and completely unfeminine.  It's like the designers just want to make something convenient to put on and remove, and the self esteem and sexuality of the wearer are completely ignored.  Irick and her co-designer, Wingfield, clearly have other things in mind: like that we're women.

And, finally, in the "Glamour" section, we see a small sampling of two chic, easy wrap-tops.  As a devoted fan of Diane von Furstenberg for more than one reason, I'll scoop up anything that is wrap-like.  I have arthritis in my hands and it can often make it painful to grasp little zip pulls and fasten buttons.  One day, I was wandering through Holt Renfrew and thought I'd try on a classic DVF wrap dress.  It went on like a dream, tied at the waist painlessly, and suddenly I was wearing a gorgeous, sexy, yet professional frock that made me feel like a million bucks.  And, I thought as I handed over my debit card, on my student budget it felt like I was paying about the same amount.  But it was so worth it.

That was quite some time ago, and to this day, whenever I need a new outfit, I head straight for the DVF section at Holt's.  Failing that, I scour the Internet for wrap dresses in classic cuts and prints.  The wrap-tops on Heels with Wheels offer that kind of elegant simplicity, though  am hoping for more colour options.  As much as I love the wider, retro-cut sleeves and elongated kimono-style bodice, I'm not a huge fan of either the orangeish pattern or the gold lamé.  I prefer silver any day, but I also think that some more subtle patterns or solids might be nice given the voluminous cut.  I do love the slimming effect, and as this is not the full collection, for all I know there are a zillion more colours from which to choose.

As of right now, there isn't a way to buy from the site directly, but I'm hoping that will soon change.  I'm jonesing to get my paws on a few of these pieces and report back my final opinion.  Any time fashion and femininity meet function, I'm all over it, and Heels with Wheels is definitely on the right track from the look of these samples.

That, and I totally dig the name...  ;)

*****

Update! Designer Angela Irick confirmed that yes, there are other colours, solids, and patterns available.  I can't *wait* to scoop up some finery!  Check back often for further updates.

*****

(All photos are from the Heels with Wheels website.)

This is a momentous occasion in my house.

Tonight, for the first time in my life, I'm going to schedule my night (or at least my DVR) around a reality show.

Some people may know that I'm not terribly fond of eliminate-y reality shows.  I don't care for the banal dialogue, pointless standing around, and overused pregnant pauses for dramatic license.  I also find it excessively irritating that to really appreciate the show, one must follow it religiously, much like a soap opera, but without as many any marriages to amnesiac evil twins who, in the search for their estranged fathers, discover they had four children whilst in a cult, underwent a sex change, and have been brought back from the dead...twice.  And, now that I think about it, even that sounds way more interesting than who can swallow a bug fastest or stand Flavor Flav the longest.

But, tonight will change all that.  The Brits have finally decided to export the coolest, most fabulous thing since Topshop... Britain's Missing Top Model.

The concept is basically the same as [Insert Country Here]'s Next Top Model, except these ladies are gorgeous, glamourous, and all disabled.

After doing some digging on the actual BBC site for the show, there should be a badass animated interloper to spice up the action named Disability Bitch.  I'm hoping she doesn't get edited out for the export, but if not, we can expect some seriously sassy gems like these throughout the show (from the UK site):

"Hi, I'm Disability Bitch. I'm disabled and I love it. Everyone should be disabled. Everyone should be like me."

"Mostly I use a crutch, but when I want to slip into a pair of high heels - which makes it almost impossible for someone with my lack of balance to even think about walking - I have a wheelchair to match. Of course, I'd prefer to be carried around on a sedan chair. Preferably by semi-naked men. But even I can't have everything, more's the pity."

"I love gossip, especially gossip about disabled people. Barely a day goes by when I don't find myself scanning the tabloids for news of Heather Mills."

"I eat doughnuts and I hate exercise. Quite frankly, I don't see why disabled people should have to do exercise in the first place."

DB will also be interviewing the models as they get the boot, one by one, so I'm hoping for some juicy, catty tidbits, but with as classy as these girls look, I may or may not get my wish.

The only thing I am a little confused about is the 'Missing' part.  I mean, I'm a disabled model, and I'm not missing.  I'm sitting right here on my tushy, typing out a blog.  I know a lot of other gorgeous disabled models, and they're not missing either -- they know exactly where they are and where they're going.  Professionally, I haven't really faced all that many issues, except maybe trying to explain to photographers that "just a few stairs" is NOT equivalent to wheelchair accessible, and no, I can't always move that way.  We already have a great network within the community, from runway shows to photography exhibits, but I can see that we are 'missing' from mainstream media.  Still, we're out there, and it's good to see we're finally being taken seriously by AB people.  And this..well, this is bloody brilliant, if you ask me.

The other bummer is that the BBC.co.uk page on the show is still up, and since this show was aired last season, I already know who wins.  Unless you want the ending to be spoilt, I don't recommend going directly there.  Instead, head to the BBC America page for the episode guide, intros to the models, and a little more about the show.  If you don't mind knowing who wins before the show even premiers, the UK page has tons more information.  There, you'll find quotes, downloads, message boards, extensive photo galleries for each model, and background info on the judges.  Even though I already know which of the stunning women makes it to her very own photo spread, I'll still be watching every episode as it airs.

So, if you're trying to get a hold of me tonight at 9 PM, it'll be for naught.  I'll be watching eight beautiful women as they attempt to break into the modelling industry and shatter stereotypes along the way.

(Hey, Canada, the US... where's our Missing Top Model show?!)