Okay, ladies, it's time for a little chat.

I cannot remain silent any longer.  There's an epidemic spreading amongst the female populous and it needs to be stopped.  Other diseases have ribbons, campaigns, and snappy slogans.  Celebrities speak out in YouTube promo spots about esoteric, unpleasant conditions, and doctors hold international conferences to foster collaborative dialogue between top industry specialists.  So, then, why is that this foul, insidious plague is allowed to run rampant through my gender without even so much as a simple fundraiser or charity ball?

What is this loathsome scourge affecting so many of my fellow females, you ask?  Well, my trusty reader, it is none other than formo imitationosis. And it seems to be spreading rapidly.

I first noticed the infection on eBay many moon ago.  I decided to treat myself to a little trinket as a personal reward, so I logged on to the worldwide auction site in search of a designer bag.  Instead of a pretty parade of gently-used purses being pawned off, I was faced with a plethora of fakes, frauds, and phonies.  Some were masquerading as the real deal, while others were open about the fact that the product was a, "beautiful designer reproduction."  As a result, my PayPal account didn't get depleted that day, and I waited till I got to the mall at the weekend, and to a reputable boutique, before I bought myself a little bag.

That was years and years ago, and now, the epidemic has spread well beyond the Internet and the backs of vans in urban alleyways.  When I go to the mall, I get accosted by kiosk vendors openly hawking "Gucce," and "Chanell," bags for $19.99 each, or 2 for $30.  Really???  And in Niagara Falls, a town I frequent on both sides of the border, there's a huge Welcome Centre on the U.S. side thats only uses, from what I can discern, are to house a repulsive "International Food Court," and a mall which only sells Falls souvenirs and knock-offs.  As a result, there seems to be an inordinate number of girls in the area who really believe they're fooling people with their pleather totebags with huge, tacky, interlocking C's.

(As an aside: I find it extra amusing when I see women sporting these atrocities with outfits that make no sense.  Like, for instance, tatty Christmas pyjama bottoms (in May), a bleach-stained Tweety Bird t-shirt, and a Scrunchee.  In public.  Are we to believe that Ms. Thing spent so long saving up thousands upon thousands of dollars to splash out on her Chanel tote, that she is only left with pyjamas and holey Keds?  Perhaps she'd been better off buying a cute tote from Target, H&M, or Joe Fresh, and been able to afford a descent hair accessory, actual pants, and food for her toddler.  Win-win!)

One other thing that really gets me is fake Coach.  I mean, really...c'mon?!  And, the irony is, that I see more knock-off Coach bags (be they with a smattering of G's instead of C's, or just out-and-out fakes) in towns where there is a handy-dandy Coach outlet store.  I'm serious.  Let's go back to Niagara Falls, but this time to the Canadian side... I don't think I've ever ventured down Clifton Hill without counting at least a dozen along the way.  And there's no excuse; there's a Coach USA outlet, and several of their outlets on the Canadian side.  So what's with all the fakes??

My other current pet peeve is the glut of key pendants on the market meant to emulate Tiffany & Co.'s key collection.  I find this especially offensive because I own a couple of them; the first one was a very special gift from my husband.  Several years ago, he found my beloved collection of antique keys, most of which were gifts from my great-grandmother, and when he saw the lovely pieces Tiffany crafted, he knew one would be the perfect present.  So, not only did I get the joy of untying the pristine white bow and opening the "little blue box," but I also received a gift that spoke to me... and it said, "Hey... he gets you.  And, yes, it's real."  That's pretty darned hard to counterfeit, if you ask me.

In my opinion, there really is no reason in the world to wear forgeries.  So many stores and designers are creating great looks at affordable prices, that I shouldn't see a single phony anywhere.  And, yes, while ideally one should save her pennies and invest wisely in "the real deal," that isn't always possible on every budget.  Personally, I'd rather have one beautiful, timeless classic in my closet, like a perfectly tailored pencil skirt, or The Iconic Little Black Wrap Dress, than dozens of those heinous t-shirts with the Chanel logo sloppily screen-printed across the chest.  Strike that: I'd rather go naked.  But I'd still rather not pay full price if I don't have to, so I'm a devoted Outlet Hound, and have lucked into some of the deals of the century that way.

Beyond the mall and outlets, there's always the Wondrous World of Thrift Store Shopping.  (Honestly, I have culled many of my favourite wardrobe staples from thrift stores.  Some of which are vintage designer pieces, some are elegant classics, and others, thanks to the eternal merry-go-round of fashion, are fun, trendy seasonals.)  If your patience fails you at the thought of sifting and sorting through racks of muu-muus, polyester lounge suits, and Members Only jackets, then hit up some of the great budget-friendly retailers out there (Target, H&M, Joe Fresh, Top Shop, Kohl's), either in person or online.

And, finally, no one's being fooled -- the other girls who buy the knock-offs will recognize yours as a fellow fake, and the true fashionistas won't be tricked for a second.  More importantly, you will know it isn't real, and that's the real rub.  Sure, everyone will copy what's hot to some degree -- there will be little Versace-esque dresses at stores, big box retailers will take cues from runway trends, and yes, someone, somewhere is actively quilting a no-name leather clutch even as I type this, but please, ladies, vaccinate yourselves against this unfashionable malady...

Don't take it that extra step and plunk down your hard-earned money on a genuine fraud.  Practice safe shopping, and always, always guard yourself against falling ill to formo imitationosis.

Because, while imitation may be *considered* the sincerest form of flattery, there's sincerely nothing flattering about wearing imitations.