Now, I know this doesn't apply to 99% of women out there, so this time I'm speaking directly to my wheeled sisters.  The more and more I see of the emerging trends for Spring 2010, the more disheartened I get, especially when it comes to one design element specifically:  pockets.

Now, for all of you ladies who have never been in a chair, let me explain something about bulk.  The more bulk you have around your waist and hips, the fatter you look and the more uncomfortable you are.  That being said, now imagine adding all the extra fabric of pockets to say, oh, I don't know, a voluminous evening gown.  Kinda like this otherwise-GORGEOUS dress by Romona Keveza:

I mean, the dress is stunning, no two ways around it.  And the higher cut in the front may even be less likely to catch in those pesky front casters, but..I just can't get past the pockets.  Let's look at it from both angles.

1. If you're on wheels, that extra fabric of the pockets is going to be utterly annoying and bulky.  Oh, yeah, and completely freakin' useless, since you really can't put anything in them.
2. if you're not on wheels and standing elegantly like this model, and you can afford this dress, methinks you would also be able to afford an evening bag.  You know, something chic, elegant, and slightly less bizarre than keeping your lipstick, beef jerky, cell phone, tampons, compact, mints, mace, and coat check ticket jangling around in your taffeta pockets all night.  Something that would serve as an accessory, rather than filling the front of your frock with enough junk to make your dance partner wonder if you born Justin or Justine.  So, I guess that would also render these completely freakin' useless.

But, this kind of pocket is the least of my worries.  What really make me scratch my head in wonder (and regurgitate my dinner in nausea) is what I'm delicately naming, "Feedbag Hips."  It's very simple, really...go to your nearest horse farm, find a nice old mare, and affix her feedbag to one of your hips.  Or, for twice the animal adoration, put one on either hip.  Voila!  Double the oats and twice the equine attention!  I have several questions and/or concerns about this trend.  For starters, let's assume you've just acquired a dress with a feedbag on either hip.  Congratulations!  You now look like you have the widest, boxiest hips on the block!  Take that neighbourhood women!  You win the Ugly Prize.

Or, perhaps you're more avant garde than that, and you selected a single feedbag ensemble, like this Jason Meyers piece:

...you now look crooked and ridiculous, as oppose to just ridiculous.  Congratulations!  You win the Weirdo Prize!  On the upside, you can totally smuggle an entire four-course meal into the movie theatre.  Take that high popcorn prices!  Not to mention I have no idea how this model would even sit down in it, so, naturally, it's pretty much out of the question for us.  What's really sad is that, aside from tollbooth bucket she has strapped to one hip, it's a beautiful dress.  Meyers created a number that has great lines, an awesome cut, and is classically elegant.  Oh yeah, but then there's the Cone of Failure.  Oh, well.  Can't win 'em all.

But if you do happen to 'win 'em all,' at least you'd have somewhere to stash the chips until you cash out.

Additional Credits: Sordesco Photography, all photos